IDOL

Addressing the controvery of judges, man. Wait, when did they announce this in front of a live studio audience? Was this at an audition site or was this at one of the tour shows?
JLo got turned into a Cullen. Her outfit is sparkling. A bit of a change in theme song, I've noticed. They actually added singers to it.

Remember they dropped the age limit to 15, in order to find Bieber clones. So uh, let's see what happens when we hear how awful these kids are. Between JLo and Steven Tyler, who has had the most botox there? Steven's looking for the next Janis Joplin. How will he deal with the Bieber fever? JLo -- stop being nice. LOLOLOLOL he has to reinforce that Jackson used to work with musicians bc all he says is "DAWG. It's HOT."

Seacrest, motivational speaker for hire.

OMG I think I love steven Tyler on this show. This is going to be AMAZING.
Interscope instead of 19. Ah, Simon, you win again.
Time to go to New York! Well, New Jersey once again. GROSS. Hey, that's Constantine Maroulis, season 4 5th place finisher and Rock of Ages mainstay! (Shut up, I once liked him.)

I kinda want JLo's skirt. Shut up. OH come on Hallelujah once again? SO over it. Okay so Rachel isn't bad, or as annoying as she was the last time. WHY IS JLO SO SPARKLY IS THIS A TREND
Caleb, a musician from NYC -- Steven likes him a lot. And sings backup. OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING. WHAT IS...I sell that shirt that Seacrest is wearing in my store.
Kenzie is trying too hard to sound sexy for a fifteen year old. And taking on Carrie Underwood is a tough trick, but she's not too awful. OH our first judges argument. SHE'S FIFTEEN SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHO THE OTHER TWO ARE!
Montage of people who we won't hear sing and are redshirts for hollywood week.
Achille is our first trainwreck. "Still a better singer than Amanda Palmer." -Laurie.
Awww, it's her first no! Poor Jennifer.
UGH REALLY NO WE DO NOT NEED A JERSEY SHORE SHOUTOUT HERE.
Tiffany loves JLo and Jersey hair. Will she make her cry tears of oh god you're so terrible or god you're so amazing? OH DEAR LORD. AWKWARD MOMENT NUMBER TWO.
Oh goodie, original songs. Did she really just play her chest? OH come on Randy, why would you go there? Wait, she can actually sing? And singing Celine, wow. If she stops crying, she will be really good. Oh, gee, I wonder who let them use the J Lo song? ;)
Montage of awful trainwrecks is go. What is with appealing to the women judges? Oh it's because they won't come out and say NO. Um, even her fingernails sparkle. JLo is the original Cullen.
Robbie is our first sob story. OH MY GOD HE WAS SEVEN WHEN THE SHOW STARTED I FEEL OLD. Oh he's going to do the Beatles. And he definitely has the talent. HOW DOES SHE KEEP SPARKLING?
did you just..."marinated on the vocals?" Randy. I know you needed to expand your vocab but uh. I don't even.

Can I nuke anyone who does the fist pump?
So Steven likes ogling women. Who knew.
Chris Cordeiro is an Eagle scout. Who surfs facebook during his videos. It is not going to end well. "My Way," poor Frankie's gonna be spinning in his grave. Uh, shades of John Stevens anyone? Ryan Seacrest should not say "give it to me" on camera. No.

buddy no1curr about your freaky nervous burping. Michael will be destroying "Proud Mary" by Tina and Ike Turner. "Make him stop." -JLo. STOP ENCOURAGING HIM, STEVEN.

Ashley is nearly local -- Springfield, MA. She works at a mall. ONE OF US ONE OF US. Are we serious with the BritBrit rn? I was expecting Britney but she sings something I don't know possibly from a musical. Showtune popstar? WHAT. JLo's gonna break and say yes. AAAND she did.

Victoria Huggins is really annoying. WHAT HATH YOUTUBE WROUGHT. STEVEN TYLER SHE IS SIXTEEN YEARS OLD. STOP IT. MAKE HER GO AWAY.
Uh oh, Sob Story Time. Well, it's a dramatic one at any rate. She's from Kosovo, and her family are refugees. A conflict most Americans aren't aware of. Melinda is really good though, so I am okay with the sob story.
DAY TWO of New Jersey Auditions, man.
Devin, the singing waitress. JLo is still sparkling. I don't get it. Here we go pimping the front runner. Keep an eye out.
Parade of trainwrecks, led by the singing surfer and the teacher duetting with the judges.

OH DEAR. That guy is chasing a bird -- your argument is invalid. Yojipop is bringing JPop to America. OH.

He is going to sing.
Party in the USA. He does have the moves tho. He should be on America's Next Best Dance Crew.
Cue Montage of everyone fucking up Party in the USA. If Miley can't sing it, what hope do we have? JK.
Brielle has a sob story of her own. Let's see if she has teh voice to match. She's already caught the tanning bug and hair colouring the kids are doing these days. She's okay. She'll be a front runner. STOP IT IDOL DON'T MANIPULATE ME INTO CRYING YOU JERKHOLES. I AM SUCH A SYMPATHY CRIER.
Travis is a high school kid. Sob story alert time. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that he does well.
What kind of phrasing is this? I like the tone, but I don't know if I like the rendition of the song.

tl;dr: JLo sparkles, Steven Tyler is alternately a comedian and a creepy pervy old man. A couple of pimped contestants. No Biebers, and fewer sob stories and train wrecks. Also, I think Phil hates me for life.