Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Idol Finale: Yacht Rock Edition. (Contains Spoilers)

Well, Live via Tape Delay.

Vote For the worst is doing a drinking game where everytime the word "paint" (as in salesman) or "mom" (as in single) is said, take a drink. I won't do that, but I'll keep a tally for you.

Paint: i
Mom: i

Reviewing that Chicago audition tape.
Lee's wearing a colour but looks like someone replaced him with a cardboard cutout. Poor dude. He's nervous.

Random stars standing up for a standing ovation. I don't know who any of these people are. /old

Uh, Randy? I'm all for mixing patterns and colours but a solid neon blue tie and a green print? Forget it. Scrap it and start over.
Uh, finalists? Is this Catholic School Idol? PS: Crystal, I want your ring.

Oh god, a group sing. Is that that Orianthi chick again? She can play some guitar, I'll give her that. Oh, they're all wearing -- OH GOD THEY'RE SINGING ALICE COOPER. And this is totally pre-recorded. Because they hate us. What the hell is going on? Why are there zombies? Why is this happening on my television? And how much did they pay him to be on the show?
Oh wow, one of the people I didn't recognize was Carrie Underwood. That's pretty sad.

Kris Allen's performing next, doing his song The Truth. Wow, Idol, you fucked up the audio on your reigning champion. Class act. But Kris, you're pretty amazing. And I'm still kicking myself for not watching last season. He's so ridiculously adorable, I don't even care. If David Cook wasn't the permanent owner of my American Idol heart, I would make room for Kris Allen. <3 Speaking of Cookie, I hope he's on tonight show. Oh, another note about this song: the version for radio has Pat Monaghan of Train singing with him on this song. I haven't heard that song, but I love this one. Seriously, if you're still holding out on listening to Kris Allen, stop and go find a song by him.

Hey, that's Bo Bice. Where did they find him?

Oh time to fete Simon Cowell. LOLOLOLOOL he gave Ryan a breath mint. trying to say something about Ryan? Oh dear god, Idol with Randy and Ryan, but no Simon? I'm not sure I can take it.

Siobhan and Aaron are up next. Oh, I missed that voice. Not Aaron. He can stop singing now. I also need Siobhan's dress in my life. Oh really, Idol, do we need the cheese? OH GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE IT IS HALL AND OATES UGH NO DO NOT WANT. REALLY WHY DOES IDOL HATE ME. This must be 1970s Idol, what with Alice Cooper & now Hall & Oates.

What's next? Michael McDonald?

Hi, Michael Lynche. You're singing more Yacht Rock.* Someone put this season out of my misery. HOSHIT I WAS RIGHT MICHAEL MCDONALD. QUICK I NEED TO GO BUY A LOTTERY TICKET. If Idol had any cultural relevance left it is clearly gone with tonight's show.

GDI Seacrest, Dane Cook is not the Cook I wanted to be performing. WHOA IT IS THAT GUY WHO IS YOUR BROTHER!**

Uh oh, Lacey Brown is doing her best Pat Benatar impression. At least that's what I gathered from the accidental jump ahead that my DVR does. It's Didi Benami, boys and girls. And she's missing part of her dress. Let me guess, Christina Aguilera's about to school them all. This sounds like a dirge. I suspect if we let Crystal and Siobhan rip into it, it would have been a better song. Ok, to be fair, Beautiful is a bland song. Fighter works for this group of girls. Uh, lurking dancers are lurking? Oh yeah, cause school's in session. Although I do not understand the Leia look she's got going on. Ok, bored now. Next?

Ricky Gervais? Why did he come on the finale? Oh, I guess they're BFFs.

Hey, everyone it's our favourite paint salesman, Lee DeWyze. (Well, not my favourite ex-paint salesman). See, Lee, if you had done this last night you would have won. Look, it's his BFF andrew Garcia.

True measure of awful: Zoe left the room when Andrew started singing. Which 70s "rock" star do they have to sing with them? Or overrated 90s singer, for that matter? Oh dear, are they gonna bring Hall and Oates out again? Of the two Maneater songs I know, I do not like this -- wait, who were the two old guys at the beginning if it wasn't Hall & Oates?***
Idol, you're KILLING ME. KILLING ME. Hall and Oates AND the Idol Backup Singers? This is like AJ's version of Musical Hell.

Janell Wheeler, a failed Top 24 contestant is practically invisible in the sea of Crystal fans. Crystal's performing "Ironic." Kinda like this show, amirite? UGH ditch the backup singers. LOLOLOLOL, overrated 90s singer, Check. Oh come on, Idol. "Would she go down with you to a theater?" COP OUT. Raise your hands if you've never belted this song out loud in your room. Bonus points if a hairbrush was your mic.

Apparently Alanis is on Team Crystal.

*: Yacht Rock
**: Renaldo Lapuz
***: I like Nelly Furtado's song better

Yeah, now a real Idol takes the stage and schools this season's crop. That rock that Mike Comrie gave her can be seen even in long shots. How is she able to move wearing that Chain Maile around her shoulders?

Wow, can we be any less excited about winning a car?

Casey gets to sing Poison. Are they cheering Casey or the fact that Bret Michaels is lurking right behind him? Our first bit of current cultural relevance, oddly enough. And Casey didn't bring the goat to sing this song for him, which is nice. Also, Casey is very tall.

Is it time for more Simon love? Oh sweet more cities. Myspace auditions?
Oh dear god they really hate me. First Hall & Oates, and NOW Chicago? Really? Just because Lee's from Chicago? But they keep saying Mt Prospect, IL. YAY MATT ROGERS <3 I love him!

Pants on the ground! The highlight of my evening. This is uh. That's William Hung. Oh dear god I still have 45 minutes of this to go. I really don't remember a finale being this torturous.

LOLOL they're offering discounted tickets to this tour because no one wants to see these Idols. This will work out in my favour. Oh Paula, I actually MISS you. "After years of sitting between two guys who have bigger boobs than I do..." Really? A standing O for Paula Abdul? Please come back, Paula. I can't believe I'm saying this. Ok, now I'm over her. Let's get to the real reason we're watching the show.

GDI Simon, you need to bring X Factor here ASAP, I need the snarky British judge on my TV.

Hey, that's Season 1 Winner Kelly Clarkson. I kinda want her haircut. And Season 2 Winner Ruben Studdard! And Season 3 Fantasia. And Carrie Underwood. And Jordin Sparks! This means...Taylor Hicks. Remember him? And it's Season 8 Winner Kris Allen! ...wait a freaking minute. IDOL I FEEL CHEATED. Look, it's all those people who didn't win. Aww, I do love you Elliot Yamin. But I really really really wanted to see one particular idol.*

But that was actually really sweet. And I enjoyed that performance.
Uhoh, looks like another group sing is lurking. Which 70s, 80s, or 90s superstar is going to suprise us with a performance? Oh it's Janet Jackson. Who is wearing like 80 microphones. I must say I really don't like the incredibly squared shoulder look. Ok, bored now. I'd almost rather listen to another group sing. Note to Idol: Do not actually give me another group sing.

Oh, Ryan, I thought tonight was about 70s rock stars.
Paint: II
Mom: II

Also, if you haven't heard them do "Falling Slowly," you're missing out on a real treat.**

LOL, Lee singign the line "what would you do if I sang out of tune." Cause he has a hard time staying in key. Oh man I can hear Laurie screaming from here. Wait. Wait really? We're gonna have Joe Cocker on this show? That's it. I'm done. I can't take this show seriously anymore.***

UNLEASH THE BACKUP SINGERS! I think Lee's just pretending to sing at this point, because all he's doing is smiling.

Paint: III
Mom: III

So it's not Price Waterhouse Cooper doing the votes this year. Dim the lights and we're about to crown an Idol. But not before we drag it out another seven minutes. Lee looks like he's about to throw up. I think they decided not to go over how last night went like they normally do because Lee got terrible reviews from the judges.

Wow, it's now White Male Idol, apparently. never mind the fact that he totally choked last night.Whoa Mike Lynche totally bumrushed him. Oh poor kid. He's adorable. Oh I wanna give him a giant hug. <3 Not even gonna lie. Oh geez, now he has to sing. There we go, this is what you should have done last night to justify that title.

Be advised that the previous cut contains spoilers about last night.

*Mr David Cook was not involved in the Winners Sing-A-Long. And Adam Lambert cancelled his appearance on the show tonight for diva reasons.

**: Here's Crystal and Lee doing "Falling Slowly"

***WE all know this is a lie. I never take this show seriously.

No comments: